Category: Grief

We all feel it, we all experience it, we all find a way to deal with it.  Some seem to glide through while others seem to get stuck in quicksand.  But no one gets to avoid it.  Grief is something we all encounter at some point in our lives.  Someone we love passes away and we are left with a void which cannot be filled.  If that is not enough, we can find our grief compounding.  Little things which would not have otherwise hurt us much now make a huge impact.  Small changes have a much larger meaning.  Changing our home or getting new neighbors can throw off the whole dynamic.  Larger changes have a much larger impact.  Divorces, health problems, children or grandchildren going off to college, or job changes can all pose a greater challenge.  They can evoke emotions we are not expecting.  To top it all off, dealing with the pandemic layers on our grief in an often unbearable thickness.  When we are forced to change our regular habits that order our day, it can feel devastating.  

If you are feeling this way, know that you are not alone.  There is nothing wrong with you.  What you are experiencing is normal and expected in times like these.  You have lost someone you love.  You are trying to figure out what it means to move forward without this person in your life.  It can feel like venturing through a strange and unfamiliar land with no map and no clear direction.  Anything that you approach can feel even more difficult.  It is okay.  You are not alone in your journey.  This is not unusual.  These times may be difficult and unusual, but you do not face this alone.  

As you travel this journey of grief, be kind to yourself.  Allow yourself to grieve.  Know that it is okay to be angry about your current situation.  It is okay to be mad that things are not normal and that your normal has been balled up and thrown in the trash can.  It is okay to feel lost and not know where the next step will take you.  Don’t try to move too fast through the journey – it isn’t helpful.  Don’t worry about other people’s timeline.  It doesn’t matter what a family member did when she lost her spouse.  It doesn’t have any impact how quickly he was getting out and doing things after losing his loved one.  You are not them.  They are not you.  You are traveling this journey in your time and in your way.  Other people’s journey and timeline does not impact you.  You are okay.  Go at your pace.  Find your rhythm.  

On this grief journey, it is helpful to stay tuned to the goodness that is around.  There are small yet powerful ways that God speaks to us in our grief.  It may be the song of a bird that reminds us of our loved one.  It may be a sunrise or a gentle breeze.  It may be the sound of rain on our roof or the majestic thunder that awakens us to life.  There are so many subtle but powerful ways that God is reminding us that we are not forgotten.  We are not alone.  We do not travel this journey without God by our side.  

For me, most importantly, know that God is with you through it all.  He does not adhere to social distancing.  He speaks to us when we cannot hear any other.  He has ways of reaching out to us when we don’t know where else to turn.  I pray you feel his presence today.  I pray he fills you with his love and reminds you of just how precious you are.  And I pray he brings you peace on your journey – if just for a moment.

Grief is hard.  It just is.  Learning to live without the person you love makes life really difficult.  We don’t often know how it will look or what it will be like.  We also don’t want to find out.  The unknown, the upcoming can be frightening and overwhelming.  When life seems to turn everything upside down and there isn’t a right side up any longer, what do you do?  Where do you go?  What’s next?

The answer may surprise you…nothing.  Nothing is what is next.  Sure, you have things to do.  There are still details to deal with.  There are papers to sign and things to file.  Your loved one’s clothes are probably still in the closet.  You need to eat and take care of yourself.  But what’s next is up to you…and it can be nothing for today.  In other words, you do not need to worry about how tomorrow looks.  You do not need to stress out about how you will make it without your loved one.  You do not need to focus on how you will move forward in your life.  You do not need to think about any of that.  When you are dealing with grief, you simply need to be.  You do not need to measure yourself against someone else that has lost someone.  You do not need to worry about those people who tell you how long it will take to get over someone.  You do not need to listen to those who want to overwhelm you with advice on where to go and what to do.  You are not required to do any of it.  You are grieving and that is, in itself, enough.  Nothing else is required.  You can free yourself from the normal chores.  Just simply be.  You need to grieve in your way and in your time.

There is no magic prescription that will alleviate the pain.  There is no timeline that is guaranteed to make things better.  Things will not return to their previous normal.  Your life is forever changed.  And yet, the sun will rise tomorrow.  You will figure your way through the maze.  You will find your way through the journey of grief.  There are many people who can walk with you.  There are friends and family who can support you.  There are groups to help you realize you are not alone.  But ultimately, this is your journey.  The next step and the future ahead will be at your time and your pace.  So be gentle on yourself.  Today is enough.  It is okay to just grieve today.

There is something I do want you to hear as you begin to travel your grief journey…You are not alone.  I say this often because we forget.  We get caught up and it seems so lonely.  But you are not alone.  You have support.  You are loved.  Beyond all of this (and most importantly), God is with you.  The One who created you, gave you life and breath, and watches over you has not left you.  And he is not about to leave you now.  You can rest in his presence.   You don’t need to do anything for his love.  He offers it because you are his child.  You do not have be presentable in his presence, he knows your heart.  He loves you as you are and will not leave you in your time of greatest need.

I pray today that you feel his presence.  I pray you are wrapped tight in his love.  And I pray that you know that he will not leave you.  Be gentle, be loved, and just be.  Today’s grief is enough.

When we begin a new year, there are familiar themes that pop up.  We can count on seeing commercials for popular weight loss products and programs.  There will definitely be promotions for exercise equipment for your home.  Local gyms will run specials to entice people to sign up.  This is all in an effort to attract those that feel like the beginning of the year is the time to do all the things that have been neglected.  This will be a new year with a new you – or at least that is how it is advertised.  This is the time to start over and get the body or the life or the health that we have always dreamed about.  There are, of course, challenges to all of this.  Apparently you have to show up to the gym and work out regularly, not just sign up.  That seems to be a problem.  And evidently you have to continue to eat healthy or follow the program longer than a few weeks, even though the cake and pizza is still calling.  And you have to follow the new program way longer than was initially planned.  Finally, what if you simply don’t want to be new?  What if you liked the old, you were comfortable where you were, and you would simply like to go back to those things?

When we grieve, there are often thoughts and desires to just want things to go back to the way they were before.  We want to have our loved one back.  We want things to return to normal, the way they were before he got sick.  We want to go back to the times when she was still here and we could talk and laugh.  We just want things back to the way they were and forget this new you talk.  And we don’t want anything else new.  We want old because old brought us comfort.

The problem is that we can’t go back and we are forced to move forward in some way.  We are pushed into this new year, often kicking and screaming.  But I want you to consider moving into this new year with a little old and a little new.  It is a compromise since you are required to move forward anyway.  For the little old, you are given something treasured.  You are given something that is special and comes at just the right time.  You are given something that doesn’t require anyone else and doesn’t have to be forced.  You are given the gift of treasured memories.  There are special times and moments in your life that continue to live on in you that no one can take from you.  You are given the gift of trips and experiences that you had with your loved one that continue to encourage and make you smile, laugh and sometimes cry.  You carry these into the new year because they mean something to you and you don’t have to give them up.  Actually, you can do things to help you remember.  As you move into the new year, you can create new memories from the old.  You can frame a special picture and hang it in a place where you are always reminded.  You can take a special arrangement to the cemetery or a special memorial location.  You can create a new tradition that helps you to treasure a memory.  The possibilities are endless.

The importance is that as you move into the new year, you carry those memories with you.  You do not have to create a whole new you.  Your life is not moving on without your loved one completely because you are packed with memories and treasures.  You move on with these gifts that help you create new memories without forgetting the old.  Things change but the old is not forgotten.  You move forward but you have a lifetime of joys you bring with you.  So as you start this brand new year, find ways to do this with your most treasured gifts.  It can be a new year with treasured memories.

May God bless you and keep you…may his face shine upon you and bring you peace…may he bless you with beautiful memories and new opportunities…and may your new year bring joy beginning with the joys that are already a part of you.

You may have people in your life that show up unexpectedly.  Out of nowhere, here they come.  They make themselves at home, take up space on your couch, and seem to stay way past their welcome.  They demand attention and disrupt your normal schedule.  As much as you would like for them to leave, they seem to have made themselves a permanent fixture.  After a while, they may remind you they are there, but you learn to work with them. It can be frustrating, but you just make room and accept.  It’s at that point they finally leave and come back only to visit.  You breathe relief.

This is a picture I have of grief…the unwelcome visitor.  Grief comes and makes a space in our lives.  We could lock the doors and shut the blinds and pretend we are not home.  But eventually, we have to answer the door.  At some point, we have to be willing to allow grief to enter so that we can move on…we don’t want to be shut up in our homes forever.  And while grief may be unwelcome, it serves a purpose…it actually is necessary.  Grief allows us to mourn what has been lost.  We work through the death of someone we love…we process the change in our world…we remember the life we had…we experience the good and the not so good when we grieve.

For some, grief stays around for what seems to be a long time.  It takes a while to work through the loss.  There are days that go well and days that do not.  There are times when we can go to that event and times when leaving the house is not an option.  There are days when we feel like we are past all of this and days when we wonder if it will ever get better.  It is part of the process, the journey.  Our guest is with us as we work through it all.  And that is okay.  For others, grief comes and goes in brief but abrupt visits.  But know that grief visits all, there are not exceptions.

For those that have the unexpected guest taking up residence…hear that it does get better.  The guest, grief, begins to show up a little less often (although almost always a surprise at every arrival).  The sun does eventually shine a little more.  Things do improve, if only in glimpses.  So be gentle with yourself.  Your guest is there to help you through it all.  And you are not alone in your journey.  Way more people are dealing with grief than you will ever know.  We all deal with it in our own way and our own time.  So maybe it is time to open the door, welcome the guest in, and begin the journey.  There is hope and a new day waiting.