There is an eerie silence in the air. It is almost as if the world has stopped moving, time is standing still and the earth is holding its breath. The silence hangs over me, waiting to take me over – for there are no words. I am not sure what to even do next. Why can’t this just be a nightmare I can wake up from? Why does it have to continue? What do I do without the one that called me to the light? What does it all mean with Jesus dead? Was it all for nothing? Has the light been extinguished? Am I no longer a Child of the Light? And there is silence…no answer, no peace, nothing but silence. I want to go back to bed and cover my head and pretend it never happened. But it did – I saw, I experience, I am changed.
They killed Jesus. We killed Jesus. The man that brought such love to this world is gone. Does that mean love ends? Does that mean there is no hope for this world? I can’t possibly go back to doing things the way I had before I met him. I can’t find a way to believe what I did before he changed me. I can’t worship the way I once did. Jesus is dead and I am lost.
I have also heard that Judas is dead. He was the reason I met Jesus in the first place. He was the one that reached out to me to introduce this new way to live. I do not understand what happened to him. All that took place was so unlike him. I knew him to be a good guy. He sat at the same table as Jesus. He had his feet washed just like everyone else. I saw how he looked at Jesus and it was not with hatred, but with a longing to belong. He wasn’t cruel and he wasn’t filled with hate. Something took over for him to bring all those soldiers to Jesus. And I can’t even talk to him about it. He is dead.
I sit at my kitchen table unable to eat. I can’t sleep – the images of what has happened burned into my mind. It feels like a heavy weight on my chest and my breathing is labored. I do not know what to do. So I sit in silence and wait. Wait for what I do not know. But I wait.
Focus Scripture: John 19:38-42
38 After these things, Joseph of Arimathea, who was a disciple of Jesus, though a secret one because of his fear of the Jews, asked Pilate to let him take away the body of Jesus. Pilate gave him permission; so he came and removed his body. 39 Nicodemus, who had at first come to Jesus by night, also came, bringing a mixture of myrrh and aloes, weighing about a hundred pounds. 40 They took the body of Jesus and wrapped it with the spices in linen cloths, according to the burial custom of the Jews. 41 Now there was a garden in the place where he was crucified, and in the garden there was a new tomb in which no one had ever been laid. 42 And so, because it was the Jewish day of Preparation, and the tomb was nearby, they laid Jesus there.
The Silence by Henry Fuseli